"We want to seed virals on your [insert name here] site!"

It seems that no matter how much we point at the send in your reels and the other submit your work pages, few if any read it before contacting us. No worries, we're used to getting all the things we ask you not to send, like wmv files, or the press release text attached in a word document, or your beautiful commercial served up as a youtube link, and we tirelessly ask you kindly to re-submit if we're interested in what you send.
Now, we could mock silly emails we receive and post those sadly uninformed cease and desist orders here on the front page all day long if we didn't have better manners than some other blogs out there - but today I'm afraid, we've met the drop that the cup runneth over by. Don't worry, I won't make it a habit as then we wouldn't have time to post anything else.
Read on to see how not to chat up this particular website to be your "viral seeding" whore. Free advice: for starters, dear Dialog Solutions GmbH, you might want to come off a little less like spam by actually personalizing the personal email.

When I read this email I started laughing out loud half way through it. Where do I begin? At the beginning, of course.

Dear webmaster,

, but whatever rocks your boat man. Portals link out. Adland collects on one site. Big difference in the end.

I am Key Account Manager of the Dialog Solutions GmbH from Hamburg / Germany, an agency specialized on Viral Marketing. Take this contact as a result of demands of our customers for international "seedings".
The main idea of Viral Marketing, you may already know, is the circulation of funny, provocative or extreme clips in an unsolicited way during friends or colleagues. The Dialog Solutions is developing, producing and divulging this kind of clips for well-known customers like AOL, Citroen, Nokia, Mazda, 20th Century Fox etc. Examples of clips we escorted online you find will here: https://dialog-solutions.de/viral-clips.php

And wtf does "Take this contact as a result of demands of our customers for international 'seedings'" mean, and why should I give a shit what your customers want from you? Really now.

An important component of our work is the strategically placing of these viral volumes on Funny Websites, Blogs, Communities and so on, what we call "seeding". We want to ask you in this matter, if you are interested in placing these mostly exclusive clips on your own website.

I need education on what a viral is? I've been running this website for ten years and revealed senders behind "cloaked" virals back in 2000. Stick around I might be able to teach you a thing or two, all you need to do is pay attention. And stop chewing gum in class please.

If we sparked your interest the procedure will be as following: in relatively steady time lags (depending on clients for international campaigns) we will send you the necessary dates for such a viral seeding (normally a Windows Media Player file with the size of 1,5 " 3,0 MB and a representative screenshot in form of a .jpg) with the request to place it on your site.

What are your advantages?
1. Exclusive, funny clips nobody has seen before will appreciate your side that it is more interesting and thrilling for others.
2. You can earn money with it. The payment is overriding based upon the quantity of downloads and starts from 50 EUR till 750 EUR / each campaign. But it is definitely not the same like widespreaded affiliate programs! The fees are lump sums! For more details of the payment procedure you can also contact me.

Oh come now, get real. Sites like Kontraband are charging 5K UKP and you think you can get away with 50 Euro?
Also "appreciate your side"? What side? Your spellchecker sucks. This is my helpful side.

By the way, each of our clips will get its own ID, so we can make differences between the several platforms. We measure the success and the circulation of the current campaign by on our own developed "Online Viral Tracking"(OVT).

Oh dear! But we have nudes! Nudes that scare prudes like Paypal away! Nudes that sell perfumes named after drugs and male body fluids. True - nude #1nude #2. I guess you made a mistake in contacting us then. Meh.

If you have further questions do not hesitate to contact me.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Best regards from Hamburg,
Martin Zorawski